[qa]
Most likely, your spouse filled many intimate and social roles in your life. After the death of your spouse, you have suddenly been thrust into the role of being single, an unwanted and unfamiliar position. It probably feels strange, confusing and frightening to be single again. The world looks and feels differently. Everyone seems to be in couples. Situations in daily living don’t seem to feel as safe and secure. There seems to be an overwhelming amount of things that you don’t know how to do. Most importantly, you probably feel that you have never felt this kind of loneliness before. Allowing yourself to walk through the grieving process is important in order to resolve your grief and to again feel hope. The final stage of grieving is a sense of reconnecting to life and the living. As human beings, we are social beings. It is very important to remain socially connected and active. No one said that it is easy. Take one day at a time. Most people feel much better and are able to maintain a positive outlook when they continue to resume social activities with friends, relatives and family. Take the risk to reach out and make new friends, participate in new activities, learn new skills and create opportunities to experience life as the changed person that you are becoming. Set small practical goals for each day or even divide the day into parts with specific tasks to be accomplished by noon. The goal is not to avoid grief but rather to use your time in meaningful ways and to take pride in small accomplishments. “The struggle to know, to understand, to extend his domain, is what keeps the spirit of man alive.” – Homer E. Nowell
Your feeling angry and guilty is an understandable and common reaction to family members who seem “cool/reluctant” to accept the changes that go with your moving on with your life. You may feel that you are being forced to choose between your old life and your new life. How to bring the old and new parts of your life together without choosing one or the other is quite a challenge that usually requires more time and patience than we anticipate.
Dialogues with each of your children may be helpful in learning where they are in the process of accepting the changes in your life. The focus would be on needs and feelings – both theirs and yours. It would be important not to try to change or persuade your children to behave differently. Two topics you might want to explore with them include: whether the presence of your “friend” reminds your children of the pain of their loss; and whether they also have fears about losing you because of your involvement with your friend. If you feel unable to create an opening for the talks, keep in mind that opportunities will present themselves and you can take advantage of them at that time. Having time with your children without your friend is an important way of reassuring them of their connection with you. It’s also important to directly talk with them about their special place in your life.